Middle Earth Inc
by Lady of Mowzerness
Summary: Middle Earth is now open for business! The adventures of the Fellowship in Gondor's only skyscraper.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings

A/N:  This, unlike my other stories, is not a parody.  It's just a silly story, and quite honestly I'm not sure where it's going yet.  But please give me some feedback.  I'd really appreciate it!

~~~~~~~

It was a sunny morning in the land of Middle Earth when Middle Earth Inc. first opened its doors.  The parking lot for horses was empty and freshly painted, and above the door of the lone skyscraper was the motto of the new corporation: "Middle Earth Inc: Protecting _you_ from giant flaming eyes everywhere."

On this, the very first day of the new corporation, the board of directors met for the very first time.

Gandalf, the C.E.O, shuffled his papers.  "Ahem.  Today is the first day of our new company.  I think we should all get to know each other."  There was silence around the room; for the board of directors was comprised entirely of the Fellowship of the Ring.  In short, they already knew each other very, very well. 

"Um...Gandalf..." Frodo began.

"State your name and position," Gandalf said.    
There was a brief silence.  Then Frodo recovered and said with a hint of exasperation "Frodo Baggins, Director of Ring bearing.  But Gandalf, we already know each other!"

"So we do, so we do.  A wizard is never wrong.  Nor is he right.  He speaks in precisely as confusing a manner as he means to."

"Right, then.  Obviously he's fine," Aragorn said sarcastically. 

"State your name and position, sir," Gandalf interrupted.  

"It's on the piece of paper in front of you," Aragorn said.  He wasn't going to be as nice as Frodo.  

But as it turned out, Aragorn was right.  Gandalf had a list of the board of directors on a brand new piece of Middle Earth Inc. stationary with "Protecting _you_ from giant flaming eyes everywhere," printed beneath the company's name.  It read like this:

Gandalf-C.E.O.

Frodo Baggins-Director of Ring bearing

Samwise Gamgee-Manager of protection and Gollum Hunting

Peregrin Took-Director of Pipeweed

Meriadoc Brandybuck-Manager of Ringwraith Termination

Legolas Greenleaf-Chief of Fangirl and Mary-Sue Protection

Aragorn son of Arathorn-Manager (king) or Gondor

Boromir (ghost)-Director of Dead Cannon Characters

Gimli son of Gloin-Director of Foreign Trade

"I don't quite understand my job," Gimli said.  "What exactly do I do?"

"You communicate with our associates in the Elven realms, Rohan, the Lonely Mountain, and the Shire," Gandalf replied.  "After all, we are a Gondor-based company."

"Oh."

"Are you sure we have all the employee insurance benefits mention in our contracts?" asked Legolas.  "I mean, I'm a bit worried about my safety.  After all, I'm in charge of protecting Middle Earth from its two most feared beings."

"You'll be fine, Legolas," Gandalf assured him. 

"Are mushrooms and tea included in our contracts?" asked Pippin.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf shouted, thus ending the first meeting of Middle Earth Inc.'s board of directors. 

~~~~~~~

A/N:  I assure you, a plot is formulating.  Just be patient.  And review!


	2. Dos Capitulo

Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings.

A/N:  Sorry this took so long to get out...the next update shouldn't take as long. 

~~~~~~~

Merry was unhappy with his job.  "Manager of Ringwraith termination," he muttered, drumming his fingers on the desk.  "But they've already been terminated.  I helped terminate their leader myself.  There's no Ringwraiths left to terminate."  He continued to puzzle over his job for a while.  He didn't know what he was supposed to do.  

"I terminated him.  What am I supposed to terminate now?  I've already terminated..." Suddenly, a thought occurred to him, and he leapt out of his chair.  "I am the terminator!"  He shouted, and bounded off to find Pippin. 

~*~

Pippin was rather enjoying his job as Director of Pipeweed.  He was, as Gandalf explained, in charge of overseeing the pipeweed trade with other countries.  

However, it seemed to Pippin that his job was really more Gimli's job.  So, having come to this decision, he redefined his job as "making sure our pipeweed is fit for smoking."  Then, he kicked back, put his feet on the tall desk before him, and lit his pipe. 

It was then that Legolas burst in.  "Pippin!" he shouted.  Pippin lifted his head slightly to see who it was.  "Do you have..." Legolas began, but he stopped in a fit of coughing, having been overwhelmed by all the pipeweed smoke in the room.  Legolas left.   
A minute later, the intercom on Pippin's desk came on and Legolas's voice asked "Pippin, do you have any fangirls that you know of?"

Pippin hit the intercom button with his heel and said "Nope."

"Any Mary-Sues?"

Pippin rolled his eyes and again hit the button with his foot.

"Legolas, they're all after you, so relax.  Care for a smoke?"  But Legolas didn't answer. 

Pippin has peace for about five minutes before he was again interrupted, this time by Merry. 

"Pippin!"

"What do you want?  A new pipe?  Here, I have a spare in here somewhere."  He removed his feet from the desk and began to rummage through a drawer.

"No, Pippin.  I am the terminator!"

"Ok."

"Come, you must help me terminate things!" Merry shouted, slamming his hands down onto the desk. 

"Just a sec...Here it is!" Pippin held his spare pipe up, but his wrist was seized by Merry who dragged him to the door.  

"Fear me, pitiful humans!" Merry shouted, striking a pose.  He ran off down the hallway, leaving Pippin with his pipe in his hand and a confused expression on his face. 

~~~~~~~

A/N:  Ok, I got that out, but those of you who read my other stories will have to wait a bit for the next update.  Sorry!


	3. Chapitre Trois

Disclaimer:  I do not own Lord of the Rings.

A/N:  Sorry, sorry, sorry!  It's taken SOOOO long to update!  I get the feeling that this fic will take a LONG time to get finished.  I'm sorry!

~~~~~~~

Legolas decided that in order to protect Middle Earth from screaming teenage girls and their fictional, perfected images (that is, fangirls and Sues), he had to start out by tracking them all down.  And to do that, he had to find out how many everyone had. 

The problem was that, as Pippin had said, all the fangirls and Mary-Sues seemed to be after him.  And since he had no idea just how many were after him, why should anyone else?

And, so far, only Gimli had given him a straight answer.  When asked if he had any fangirls, Gimli said "No.  Nobody wants to chase down small, bearded comedians with axes."

Sighing, Legolas decided to check with Aragorn.  He stepped into the hall and was hit in the midsection by a curly head, attached to Merry's body.

"YOU DIE NOW, HUM...oh, you're an elf.  Never mind," said Merry.

Merry took off again at full speed just as Pippin trotted up.  He jerked his thumb in the direction of his cousin and explained, saying "He's the terminator."

~*~

When Legolas has come to visit Gimli, the dwarf had been in the process of adding up all the trade that had been done with other countries since...well, day one. Since that was still today, not too much trade had happened yet.  

After Legolas left, Gimli was left pondering how he could help his friend.  It took him a while, but finally he hatched an ingenious plan.

Of course, being a very procedure-loving dwarf, Gimli had to first plan out his idea.  He needed lists, diagrams, and outlines!  He needed several hours alone to figure everything out!  He couldn't even mention it to anyone else before then.

~*~

As it turned out, very few of the directors were quite sure what their jobs were supposed to include.  They'd just started today, and many of their jobs were not quite possible.  At least, not anymore.  Finally, Frodo decided to call an emergency meeting.

For the second time that day, the races of Middle Earth congregated in the board room.  Well, most of them.  Merry, Gimli, and Gandalf were absent, and Pippin wandered in late.

"Gentlemen, we have a problem," Frodo began.  "For many of us...well, most of us...our jobs are unclear or currently impossible."  He glanced down at Gandalf's list of everyone's jobs and began pointing out problems. 

"For example, I am the director of ring bearing.  But there are no longer any rings in need of bearing.  Sam is charged with hunting Gollum, but Gollum is now dead.  Pippin...well, I'm sure you're fine.  But Merry, who has apparently decided not to show up, is in charge of Ringwraith termination.  As we all know, there are no longer any Ringwraiths..."

"No, Merry's fine," Pippin said suddenly.  "He re-defined his job.  Now Merry is the terminator."

"Of what?" Sam asked.  Pippin shrugged.

"Well, the point is that we can't do our jobs if the things they involve don't exist," Frodo continued loudly.

Sam thought.  "Well, Mr. Frodo, I suppose the company slogan doesn't quite fit either."  They all glanced at their stationary with "Middle Earth Inc: Protecting _you_ from giant flaming eyes everywhere" emblazoned at the top.  

"You see, we can't protect people from giant flaming eyes if there aren't any giant flaming eyes left," Sam explained.

The board of directors fell silent.  Of course, Sam was right, which meant the entire company was headed on a collision course.  Middle Earth Inc. couldn't accomplish anything if its entire objective was not even possible. 

~*~

As the sun set on the lone skyscraper, turning its many glass windows a blinding shade of gold, Gimli finally set down his pen.  _It's perfect_, he thought, wiping his brow. 

~~~~~~~

A/N:  You know what's funny?  Whenever I spell-check my stories, the computer tries to change Gimli's name to "Gimlet."  Ten extra points to whoever can tell me what a gimlet is. 


	4. The Next Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings

A/N:  No, I have not abandoned you.  My life is truly crazy right now and I have barely had time to write, let alone update.  Plus, Mildred, my resident Muse, refused to get off her lazy butt and help me.  But please understand:  unless I die or get kidnapped or paralyzed or something, I will ALWAYS finish my stories.  There's nothing worse than an abandoned fic!

Gandalf was angry when he heard about the secret board meeting the day before.  He knew he couldn't fire his board, but they had to understand that _he_ was the one in charge.  They needed to be punished.  He needed to find a way....

Gandalf didn't know it would head his way soon, urged on by a rather naive dwarf. 

Boromir set to work in his office.  He was quite happy with his space.  It had windows with an excellent view, and that was nice of course, but the room also had no door.  Boromir didn't need a door...he was a ghost!  He could float through walls if he needed to get somewhere.  This feature of the room also gave him wonderful privacy; a blessing, since the rest of the employees were constantly being disturbed by "the Terminator."

Boromir was working on a list of people he needed to ask to hire.  The Department of the Departed (as Aragorn had so aptly named it) was to be run and worked by the dead.  Boromir currently had a paper with those who were _definitely _dead (including Théoden, the Oath breakers, Denethor, ect.) and another lists with _questionable_ dead (Haldir, Hama, Lurtz).

Those on that list were problems for Boromir.  Both Haldir and Hama, for example, died in the movies, but not in the books.  And Boromir was almost sure that Aragorn had lopped off Lurtz's head in _The Fellowship of the Ring_ (he'd still been alive himself when it happened!) and yet Lurtz seemed to re-appear in _The __Two__Towers__._

Boromir scratched his head.  He needed help and didn't know a rational person that had his trust and the ability to enter his office.  He decided to hunt down his little brother for help. 

Faramir worked in Aragorn's department—Management of Gondor—and was sure to be happy to help.  If it gave him an excuse to take a break from his own job, that is.  

As Boromir guessed, Faramir was all too willing to leave the hustle and bustle of unpacking the department.  "What do you need?" he asked.  Boromir showed him the list.  Faramir shook his head.  "I don't know, Bor.  I think you'll have to find each of them yourself to figure out who's dead and who isn't."

Boromir sighed. 

Gimli put his plan in action the next day.  He sent a newspaper ad to Dale where his friends at the _Lonely Mountain Tribune_ agreed to run it.  He sent posters to the major pubs in the shire and a notice for the armies of Rohan and Gondor. 

That same day, a sign appeared by the water cooler, a favorite hang-out for the board members.  

"'Mary-Sue and Fangirl registration'," Legolas read, his voice growing higher with each word.  "'Meet at the Middle Earth Inc. headquarters in three days.'  Ai!"  He fainted.

Gandalf smirked.  It was exactly what he needed. 

A/N:  Ok, guys, I'll try to be more prompt this time.  But you know what would help?  Reviews!


	5. Kapitel fünf

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings.

A/N:  Oh, come on guys, that was weak.  One review.  ONE!  I expect you to do better, or I shall not continue.

With their unfortunate problem of being unable to do their jobs, Frodo and Sam were enjoying helping Pippin do _his_ job—"testing" all the pipeweed within a twenty mile radius of headquarters. 

Pippin had given up following Merry on his mission to terminate the humans.  He came to this decision as Merry was throwing himself against the outer wall of Boromir's office in an attempt to get in and terminate Boromir.

So currently Pippin, Sam, and Frodo were leaning out of the large, open window in Pippin's office, pipes in hand, blowing large smoke rings out in the dusk.  They felt very peaceful...which is, of course, a dead giveaway that something bad was about to happen.

Suddenly there was a high-pitched scream (are we surprised?) and a yell of anger that sounded human.  Pippin lazily walked to the door and looked out. 

Merry was being held by his ankles by Aragorn, who was dangling the halfing out the hall window...twelve stories off the ground (he would have gone higher, but he didn't really want to kill Merry—just seriously injure him).  Merry was screeching for all he was worth:  "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!"

"Terminate me, huh?  I'll show _you_ terminate..." Aragorn was muttering, a crazed look in his eyes.  The entire management of Gondor team (some of them looking rather tattered from a fight and others sporting hobbit-sized bite marks) was chuckling behind him.

Sam joined Pippin in watching the commotion.  He took a huff on his pipe and called out to the crowd in the hallway "Hey!  Did you guys hear about the Mary-Sue and fangirl registration?"  Behind him, Frodo's jaw dropped in a silent scream, Faramir squeaked with terror, and Aragorn dropped Merry in surprise.

As the hobbit fell, a yell could be heard as he became more and more distant:  "I'LLLLL BEEE BAAAAAAAACKKK!"

Legolas watched in terror from his window as an army of signs bearing phrases such as "give me my hot blonde hunk of elf" and "we want Rangers!" approached.  He was deeply disturbed.  Behind him, Aragorn paced, Faramir whimpered, and Frodo sat pale-faced on the rug.

"Why don't they stop for the night?" Frodo whispered.  He got no answer.  Instead, Legolas said "We have to do something.  Re-form the fellowship or ask Gandalf or run and hide or..." he trailed off.

"I'm going to find Gandalf," said Aragorn.  He left the room and Gimli walked in. 

"Legolas, I'm so sorry!  I didn't mean for this to happen...I was just trying to help you since you were having so much trouble but it wasn't supposed to go this far—"

"What are you talking about, dwarf?" asked Faramir.  But Legolas was looking very hard at his friend. 

"I—I—I was trying to help Legolas find all the fangirls and Mary-Sues so that he could get rid of them so I thought I'd get them all in one place..." Gimli began.

"What!" Legolas exploded.  "That was the _worst_ thing you could do!"

Gimli looked up with his saddest expression and best puppy-dog eyes.  He truly was sorry, and besides, who could resist that look?

"But I...I suppose it will be all right.  We'll just have to work through it," Legolas continued. 

Gimli nodded miserably and left, leaving a jealous Frodo staring after him.  How dare the dwarf steal his trademark expression!

Merry woke in a trash bin under the window he had been dropped from.  He was angry, and he was thinking clearly, the combination making him very dangerous. 

"Fine," he thought, "from now on, all other humans will be safe.  Now, my sole target is Aragorn!"  He struck at theatrical pose, somewhat ruined by the banana peal on his head, and clambered out of the garbage can and off into the night.   

A/N:  PLEASE review!  Or I won't keep writing.  All right, so that's an idol threat, but I'd really, really appreciate it.


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